Monday, August 4, 2008

another late night rambling

I'm so tired. I can't sleep, but I'm so tired. And I have to be awake in 4 hours. Even worse a friend of mine will be up for work at 6 and I was at their house till 1:30. Need a timer.
I'm so sick. I'm so sick of being sick but I like it. I like being pissed off. I hate being pissed off. I can't explain how much easier it is to hate. To be bitter. Let it consume.
I did something tonight I swore I would never do again. And I didn't care. I wanted to so I did. Usually where I have self control I had none. I got lost in the moment. Reprecussions will come. They will come. But what am I to do?
This is no suprise. I am hate. I am pain. why should I care. Why should I bother. Pain and frustration, more pain. It's all I now. It's all I am.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

confused

I walk along an empty bed
were thoughts of what once was
course through my head.

A moment in time
is all it seemed to be
a moment
that belonged to me.

But days fade away
to the darkest of nights
where lights have no hold
where we lose our way.

And in that darkness we find
we are alone
we are lost
our souls confined.

once a moment in time
a pause in life
when days made sense
when thoughts were mine.

Drink from an empty cup
breath the rotting air
reach out for those
who give you up.

I walk along and empty cloud
where the the wind is soft
and the light is loud.

I have felt the stars
and I have touched the sky
my fall will be far
and my life a lie.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What the hell?

Another late night rambling.
Sorry new meds, new attitude. he hehe ... yeah most of you would never like me. But I really don't care. I'm tired of caring. I just want to rant and rave and be pissed off. Life sucks, so what, all we are working for is to die.
Tonights rant will have a focus though. Far be it from me to make any sense at all. This goes on to a very common subject for, well, everyone. Dating, and more specifically since I am a guy (note did not say man. I'm male and there are certain qualifications to really be a man) women.
The last couple of days I have had the "pleasure" of listening to women complain about how their men treat them. None of them good. Then hearing the usual crying why arent' there any good men left. I have two words for that.

Fuck off.

Where did we go? We didn't just get up and leave you chased us away. Any good man comes along and we get thrown to the way side like a piece of garbage because we aren't exciting enough or we are too shy or something like that. Doesn't fucking matter how good we would be for you. If you do have to be worried that we might hit you it's not exciting to you and we are nothing. Fucky you.
There's no good reason for men to be good anymore. Cause there are no good women. If you want to be treated right guess what. There are plenty of good men out there who would walk through fire for you, but you fucking women don't give a shit cause we're not exciting enough for you.
God you want us to not judge you for being imperfect but for some fucking reason us not being so is a sin, unless it's treating you like shit and then it's ok. What the hell?
So tell me this, a man who has tons of confidence, but treats you like shit is worth more then a man who is a little shy, but will stop time for you? What the hell is wrong with you.
And if any of you are reading this going "I want a man like that, I would never be like that." Bull shit. I've been handing that example first hand and had it blow up in my face. The last 2 women I have even been interested in dating have stood me up. Have lied to me, and have especially the last one made promises that she never kept and wondered why I'd get mad. lets see now, maybe it's cause you've outright lied to me to make yourself look better?
She even made the speech about how she didn't want to do that to me and didn't want to just be the next girl on the list. Well guess what she is. "Someday you're gonna find someone and make them very happy, and I'll be very Jealous." Bull shit, if you meant that at all you wouldn't have treated me the way you have. You claim to be a friend, but I don't need any enemies with friends like you.
Come on I hear all these stupid women having such troubles and letting these jerks walk all over when guys who would do anything are being thrown aside. What the hell? Ever wonder why Love and Lie start and end with the same letter? Cause they do the same.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Love this song

Not sure of the writers but Marc Broussard is the singer. He's incredible. The song is called "Gavin's song" look him up you wont be disapointed. His song "Home" is INCREDIBLE!

I wish you freedom
I wish you peace
I wish you nights of stars
That beckon you to sleep
I wish you heartache
That leaves you more of a man
I wish I could be there
But I can't

I wish you places
That sit so still
Where people never ever change
never ever will
I wish i could hold you
And make you understand
I wish I could be there
But I can't

Be good for your mama
Cause she'll need a hand to hold
Boy, she loves you
More than you'll ever know
There are rhymes and there are reasons
And times when nothing stayed the same
But you know my love still remains

I wish you wisdom
I wish you years
I wish you armies
To conquer all your fears
I wish you courage from all that life demands
I wish I could be there
But I can't

Be good for your mama
Cause she'll need a hand to hold
Boy, she loves you
More than you'll ever know
There are rhymes and there are reasons
And times when nothing stayed the same
But you know my love still remains

I wish we were together
I wish I was home
I wish there were nights
Where I was never alone
You know I've said it
And I'll say it once again
I wish I could be there
But I can't

late night can't sleep ramblings.

Well,
Here I am again. Can't sleep. Struggling again. just like always. Never seems to work out anything I do. I've figured that I've been absent so long from this that no one will bother to check this so I'll rant and rave and apologize to any poor reader who happens across this.
The time as I start this is June 7 2008 at approximatly 1 am. Another night that I can't sleep. I have pills that help me but I have to be to work at 730 tomorrow morning. When I take them they work, I'm knocked out. Almost too much though cause then I oversleep. Thus I am afraid to take them when I have to be up by certain times. The downfall is that I don't sleep. At all most nights.
Not too long ago I tried to kill myself. I was stopped. I have scars to prove it. Sometimes I wish I had just been allowed to. The problems that have arisen from my depression almost compound it and make it worse. It's amazing what you'll quit doing when you no longer care. he he he... guess that's a stupid statement, but it truly is suprising.
So here I am once again. Another night. Another rushing wave of pain. My body hurts. my mind is turbulent. There is no peace. My joints ache from all the abuse I have put them through. I wouldn't trade the fun I had for anything, I just would love my joints to quit hurting. The shoulder that I dislocated when I was younger acts up here and there but it's bearable. Surgery is almost gaurunteed someday. Just like my back,knees, and possibly heart. Hurt my back about 4 years ago now I believe. Hurts to even sit sometimes. I dont' know what's wrong. Just like my heart. I've always had an extra heartbeat. It started about a year and a half ago, the pain in my chest. I thought it was brought on by anxiety. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm shy. Been compared to silent Bob. he he he.... I'll take it. But I don't know what causes the pain. Feels like pressure right in the center that becomes painful at times. It lost me a job before. Doctor doesn't know. Only thing he could find was something was wrong with the electrical pulses in my heart. He wanted to do more tests, but no insure covers that enough. Funny isn't that why we pay for insurance? To help us when we need. Just like the gas prices it's only about the dollar. some people will kill others to save a nickel and claim ignorance.
Got a lot to get off my chest. might finish tonight might not. don't really care either way, it's my life to mess up. Leave me alone. Any of you who knew me years ago, wouldn't even tell who I am except that I look like the shy little boy from way back when. he he he.... now I'm 6 ft 250 lbs and I assure you if you think it's fat think again. Yes I do have a stomach, but I've been compared to a lineman now. Got into bodybuilding for a while where my best was about 232 lbs and if I remember right 10% percent bodyfat. Haven't done any weightlifting in years. Not since the depression took over. It's great cause I can still go in and push weight like you wouldn't believe. I'm a farmboy after all. I'm a totally different breed of human.
I wish I could sleep. It would feel so nice right now. There is no order to this blog. just rambling. My business, failure. shouldn't be suprising though as that's how I seemto do things. But when you go and put a lot of money into something going off of peoples opinion that you thought you could trust only to find out that it was a complete waste of money, you tend to feel that way. It's amazing how people will also tell you over and over again, "let me know if you need help." So you let them know and they brush you off quicker then a misquito. But still expect you to come running to help them. It's really fun to hear how pissed off they are leaving you a voicemail about how you wont call them back anymore. Let the sarcasm ensue. Worst part is I know the products work. I've felt it, I've seen it. But nothing else seems to.
Sometimes you wonder how you even make it through the day. I plan my death almost everymorning. People say it's a terrible thing, but who are they? how do they know? My bishop tells me how it's so bad and hwo much he's going to do to help. But then apparently the only way he can give me a phone number that I need is to wait for months on end to meet with me again before he can give it to me. BullShit. He has the gall to call me and leave me a voicemail and that he has it but doesn't leave it? And I'm supposse to believe in this cult he's calling church? Based on what good example? His? Or the other millions of hypocrites out there? Wonder what those who don't have anyone to fall back on keep from killing themselves or struggling with addictions. I'm both of those. But my family is there. What if I didn't have family and I had gone through with it? Would he have left the phone number on voicemail then? I've called him and gone to him several times to followup. But it seems I'm the only one. Odds are I'll be excommunicated. If that's the case why should I even consider coming back? Who cares? Religion is a glorified cult anyways.
I'm cold hearted I know. actually make that I have no heart anymore. By my choice. After so much pain and betrayel why would you leave it out there. Even women arent' worth the trouble. I'll never get married. I'll never date again. once I haev saved up enough money I'm getting a tattoo around my ring finger and up my hand and foreman that shows my commitment to this. Eternal bachelor.
Ever wonder why Love and Lie start and end with the same letters? It's cause they both usually start and end the same. Love is nothing more then a cruel complicated joke. Some people get it. some will kinda get it. some just try to understand it. the rest of us either never get to hear it or just never get it. All women complain about how there are no good guys left anymore. Hey guess what, there's no good women either. If chivalry is dead it's cause women killed it. Why should we even bother any way. You'll go back to the guy who treats you like shit in a heartbeat but you'll dump a guy who would walk through fire for just because he's a little shy. Or isnt' a enough of a bad boy. that's how you end up a foxworthy joke. who cares. you give and give and everyone just takes.
I'm fortunate I have a family who doesn't. they actually care. I only have 3 or 4 friends who I can honestly say that about. the rest I can't. Even ones who makes speeches about being so good. Those half-pints owe me over a thousand dollars for a fridge thats destroying my credit cause I cna't afford it but haven't bothered to pay anything in 7 months now. Don't even bother to try. I owe a friend money, but I at least hand him a twenty, buy him dinner, pick up stuff for him, anything I can do. They've done nothing.
Who cares about K'lub. I don't, why should you? Odds are I wont make it till the end of this year.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

anyone can join!!

Just extending an invitation to anyone who would like. There is a webcast and phone call that anyone who is curious about the synergy success system can be a part of and learn more. And I would love for everyone to have the chance to learn about this. Here's the info

(800)832-4695 Pin: 8908#
www.mywebmeeting.com
Conference ID: Synergy
Tuesday 7:00 PM (MST)
Thursday 12:00 PM and
8:30 PM (MST) Saturday 9:00 AM (MST)

If ya happen to be in Australia there are different times you can join.

The phone number and website are the same
Wednesday 1:00 PM (Sidney time)
Friday 2:30 PM (Sidney time)

If ya happen to be in the UK the number and times are different.

0845 301 4060 Pin: 970405#
website is the same
Thursday 8:30 PM (GMT)
Saturday 4:00 PM (GMT)

This is a huge opportunity and this is a great way to learn about it. The information is awesome and it's fun to be a part of. It's really simple just call the number and if you would like to view the presentation that goes with it just go to the website. Feel free to get in touch with me after and I'll be more then happy to help ya out. Hope to talk to you soon!

K'lub
klubhouse_biz@yahoo.com

http://www.klubhousehealthandwealth.com/

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Ever feel overwhelmed?

I'm not going to lie.
This year has been really hard for me. I'm going on my second week now of being on Anti-depressants and it's a great struggle. Thanks to my friends and family for caring and helping me out. It's also been good that I have really started to try and get my website some traffic. It's kept me busy and the support I get is awesome! Thanks to all my friends and family for being there.
I had a friend of mine that I work with who told me that when I'm depressed I need to tell as many people as I can and honestly, writing soothes me. It's really nice to just get it out. So here I am telling anyone and everyone who might read about it.
Right now I should be sleeping. I have a meeting tomorrow at 10 and here it is midnight and I'm trying to sleep but can't.
Today was pretty frustrating, the best way I can describe it is that it felt like someone just twisted me in 2 different directions. I'm working hard to get through this and thank goodness for the friends I have at work.
I'm writing this to say that tomorrow is going to start something huge for me. I'm going to be picking myself up and truly change my life. I have the tools I need and now it's time to make use of them. I just signed up for a program with the synergy success system to really help me improve upon myself. So for those of you who personally know me, get ready. You're not going to believe what's about to happen and the changes it's going to bring about. you're going to hear me say this a lot

MY TIME IS NOW!

My time is now!

Well,
Here I am. I've become one with the bloggers and joined. My reasoning is simple. For fun, to meet new people, get in touch with old friends, and spread a message. I'm going to get straight to the facts, I have joined a company that's making HUGE changes in my life and I want everyone to be able to be a part. The products are life changing on their own never mind the huge financial opportunity it gives.
It's involved in the health and wellness industry and by far has the best products I have ever tried. Everything from Vitamins, health supplements, to skin care, and anti ageing. And they work! I've tried a bunch and nothing works as well as these do and that's why I'm talking about them.
I'm actually planning on making 5 grand a month by July thanks to this opportunity. Check it out

www.klubhousehealthandwealth.com

It's for real. I promise you if you take just a few minutes to check it out it will change your life.