late night can't sleep ramblings.

Well,
Here I am again. Can't sleep. Struggling again. just like always. Never seems to work out anything I do. I've figured that I've been absent so long from this that no one will bother to check this so I'll rant and rave and apologize to any poor reader who happens across this.
The time as I start this is June 7 2008 at approximatly 1 am. Another night that I can't sleep. I have pills that help me but I have to be to work at 730 tomorrow morning. When I take them they work, I'm knocked out. Almost too much though cause then I oversleep. Thus I am afraid to take them when I have to be up by certain times. The downfall is that I don't sleep. At all most nights.
Not too long ago I tried to kill myself. I was stopped. I have scars to prove it. Sometimes I wish I had just been allowed to. The problems that have arisen from my depression almost compound it and make it worse. It's amazing what you'll quit doing when you no longer care. he he he... guess that's a stupid statement, but it truly is suprising.
So here I am once again. Another night. Another rushing wave of pain. My body hurts. my mind is turbulent. There is no peace. My joints ache from all the abuse I have put them through. I wouldn't trade the fun I had for anything, I just would love my joints to quit hurting. The shoulder that I dislocated when I was younger acts up here and there but it's bearable. Surgery is almost gaurunteed someday. Just like my back,knees, and possibly heart. Hurt my back about 4 years ago now I believe. Hurts to even sit sometimes. I dont' know what's wrong. Just like my heart. I've always had an extra heartbeat. It started about a year and a half ago, the pain in my chest. I thought it was brought on by anxiety. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm shy. Been compared to silent Bob. he he he.... I'll take it. But I don't know what causes the pain. Feels like pressure right in the center that becomes painful at times. It lost me a job before. Doctor doesn't know. Only thing he could find was something was wrong with the electrical pulses in my heart. He wanted to do more tests, but no insure covers that enough. Funny isn't that why we pay for insurance? To help us when we need. Just like the gas prices it's only about the dollar. some people will kill others to save a nickel and claim ignorance.
Got a lot to get off my chest. might finish tonight might not. don't really care either way, it's my life to mess up. Leave me alone. Any of you who knew me years ago, wouldn't even tell who I am except that I look like the shy little boy from way back when. he he he.... now I'm 6 ft 250 lbs and I assure you if you think it's fat think again. Yes I do have a stomach, but I've been compared to a lineman now. Got into bodybuilding for a while where my best was about 232 lbs and if I remember right 10% percent bodyfat. Haven't done any weightlifting in years. Not since the depression took over. It's great cause I can still go in and push weight like you wouldn't believe. I'm a farmboy after all. I'm a totally different breed of human.
I wish I could sleep. It would feel so nice right now. There is no order to this blog. just rambling. My business, failure. shouldn't be suprising though as that's how I seemto do things. But when you go and put a lot of money into something going off of peoples opinion that you thought you could trust only to find out that it was a complete waste of money, you tend to feel that way. It's amazing how people will also tell you over and over again, "let me know if you need help." So you let them know and they brush you off quicker then a misquito. But still expect you to come running to help them. It's really fun to hear how pissed off they are leaving you a voicemail about how you wont call them back anymore. Let the sarcasm ensue. Worst part is I know the products work. I've felt it, I've seen it. But nothing else seems to.
Sometimes you wonder how you even make it through the day. I plan my death almost everymorning. People say it's a terrible thing, but who are they? how do they know? My bishop tells me how it's so bad and hwo much he's going to do to help. But then apparently the only way he can give me a phone number that I need is to wait for months on end to meet with me again before he can give it to me. BullShit. He has the gall to call me and leave me a voicemail and that he has it but doesn't leave it? And I'm supposse to believe in this cult he's calling church? Based on what good example? His? Or the other millions of hypocrites out there? Wonder what those who don't have anyone to fall back on keep from killing themselves or struggling with addictions. I'm both of those. But my family is there. What if I didn't have family and I had gone through with it? Would he have left the phone number on voicemail then? I've called him and gone to him several times to followup. But it seems I'm the only one. Odds are I'll be excommunicated. If that's the case why should I even consider coming back? Who cares? Religion is a glorified cult anyways.
I'm cold hearted I know. actually make that I have no heart anymore. By my choice. After so much pain and betrayel why would you leave it out there. Even women arent' worth the trouble. I'll never get married. I'll never date again. once I haev saved up enough money I'm getting a tattoo around my ring finger and up my hand and foreman that shows my commitment to this. Eternal bachelor.
Ever wonder why Love and Lie start and end with the same letters? It's cause they both usually start and end the same. Love is nothing more then a cruel complicated joke. Some people get it. some will kinda get it. some just try to understand it. the rest of us either never get to hear it or just never get it. All women complain about how there are no good guys left anymore. Hey guess what, there's no good women either. If chivalry is dead it's cause women killed it. Why should we even bother any way. You'll go back to the guy who treats you like shit in a heartbeat but you'll dump a guy who would walk through fire for just because he's a little shy. Or isnt' a enough of a bad boy. that's how you end up a foxworthy joke. who cares. you give and give and everyone just takes.
I'm fortunate I have a family who doesn't. they actually care. I only have 3 or 4 friends who I can honestly say that about. the rest I can't. Even ones who makes speeches about being so good. Those half-pints owe me over a thousand dollars for a fridge thats destroying my credit cause I cna't afford it but haven't bothered to pay anything in 7 months now. Don't even bother to try. I owe a friend money, but I at least hand him a twenty, buy him dinner, pick up stuff for him, anything I can do. They've done nothing.
Who cares about K'lub. I don't, why should you? Odds are I wont make it till the end of this year.